Okay, so I’m not really exercising anymore since school started, but I feel really guilty about that. I also feel really guilty about not studying more, even though that’s pretty much all I ever do.
I’m officially 10 pounds away from my original UGW. 40 lbs in 5 months. I honestly never thought it would be so… quick? Easy? Don’t get me wrong, I put in a lot of effort and went hard for several months, it just wasn’t as hard as so many people make it out to be. I blame it on my objective world perspective and self-control.
I don’t even know what to do with this whole weight issue anymore, especially not now that I’m just 10 pounds away from my UGW. I don’t feel like I’m anywhere close to being satisfied with my body.
I’m happy with it, I’m just not satisfied. Like this is some deeper ultimate happiness I’m talking about, where I can look in the mirror and be like, Yes. This is perfect to me. I don’t mean perfect by the media’s standards, I just want proportion and a flat tummy while keeping some of the softness, because I like that about myself. Maybe the last 10 pounds will make a difference. The 10 before that certainly didn’t. I don’t know. I’m just hoping to make it through this school year without gaining any of it back. If at the end of April 2013, when I convocate the fuck across that stage, I want to be able to say that my weight is no higher than it is right now.
To me, it feels like losing weight is easy, but maintaining will be a real challenge. Like there’s some tiny ledge between losing weight and gaining weight and being able to tippy toe on that thing is not going to be easy. I’m sure it will be, I have only lost weight and maintained since I turned 19, it just seems like allowing myself the freedom to eat more calories is going to make be feel like a failure. Obviously I’m a bit of a control freak, whatever.
I kind of just want to fast forward to next summer, reassess my weight and my appearance, and get back into the business of making myself strong and fit. Because my muscles twitch and ache for hard exercise, but there’s this whole hierarchy of guilt that is forcing me to not, to just eat as cleanly as possible, because that doesn’t interfere with my education.
Anyway, I’m going to enjoy my final year of school. Because fuck you, fuck the world, and fuck my own fucked up opinions of myself. I look great, I feel great, I’m the smallest I’ve ever been, I’m smaller than my friends, I’m in a happy and healthy relationship, I’m enjoying all of my classes, and for once I’m not falling behind in my studies.
Society can suck on that, that’s for sure.
Sometimes I have my priorities right, and as guilty as I feel, I think now is one of those times. My fitness can be put on the back burner, but my last year of university will come and go whether I’m studying or not.